I’ve noticed that some gay men just don’t know how to be “good boyfriends.” Perhaps they should attend Boyfriend University (Boyfriend U for short) and complete the required curriculum to be Certified Boyfriend Material. The required courses are:

1. Refuting stereotypes. All gay men are not good decorators; we do not all have the queen gene. All of us are not perfect housekeepers, great cooks and good neighbors. We’re not all well-dressed or well-paid, campy or queeny. Even though we are men, we aren’t all promiscuous.

2. Size does matter! No, not in an anatomical sense. But how big is a guy’s heart? How much love can he give you? How compassionate is he? How much of his time is he willing to share?

3. Kissing 101, 201 and 301. Appropriate kissing for individual situations. Kissing technique. When is it appropriate to kiss on the cheek? New friends. When is it appropriate to kiss on the lips? Not exes! When is it appropriate to kiss someone’s hand? Never!

4. French kissing. When is French kissing appropriate? Clue: Not on the first date! How to French kiss without becoming Mr. Fish Lips.

5. How to know if it’s love or lust. If all you fantasize about is his body, it’s probably lust. If you fantasize about picking out china patterns togethe—it could be love. If you fantasize about both—plan the ceremony!

6. When to move in together and when to move out. It’s not appropriate to move in together after a few weeks of lust. It’s not appropriate to move out if he doesn’t hang up his towel after bathing. It is appropriate if he doesn’t hang up his ex’s towel after they’ve just showered the lust from their bodies!

7. How to decorate without becoming Martha Stewart. In all things, moderation. How not to pick up before the maid comes to clean. What’s up with that?

8. Poodle or Pomeranian? How to pick the appropriate pampered pet to suit your personality. Having the right pet doesn’t make you gay; treating it like a spoiled brat does!

9. Breaking up 101. Subtitled “How to love ‘em and leave ‘em with dignity.” How to break up without histrionics. How to avoid a scene by cooling down the situation. Also covered: If he’s a drama queen, just say goodbye—that’s all.

10. Leave them wanting more. How to make any ex boyfriend regret having ever dumped you! Locker room talk: How to discuss an ex-boyfriend without resorting to sexual specifics. No kissing and telling allowed!

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